by Rae Eggleston
I’m in some legal trouble right now; it’s not the first time this has happened.
I’m bipolar—delusional type. It’s difficult to function sometimes. I lost my housing due to my most recent hospitalization and arrest. I am living in an LGBTQ shelter called the Delores Project. I am nonbinary. Delores was a homeless woman whose family opened the shelter in her honor after she died on the street. She was Lakota Sioux.
Constant arguments and medical emergencies go on here. There is no quiet or privacy. A very old woman wanders the halls pushing a desk chair and whispering to herself. Still, I try hard to make things right. I am taking an online data analytics class from my bottom bunk. I work a seasonal job at a Levi’s store in the mall. It’s nice to interact with people who’ve never met me and only want help finding the right jeans. It allows me to feel normal.
I play my left-handed ukulele and sing when I feel happy.
I played and sang out in the smoking area today because it was sunny. I don’t smoke. Still, I like the smell of tobacco floating around in the fresh air. One woman cried and said my voice is beautiful. It’s sometimes hard to feel happiness when you are homeless and just one more mistake away from being on the street. I would likely die if this happened, especially as winter is coming.
Seventy-five degrees in November feels strange. There’s usually snow by now, and it’s barely even rained. I wonder if climate change will be the thing to end my life, or if it will be my mental illness. I think along those lines a lot.
I get my flu and COVID shots every year. I see a therapist. I try to get back to the shelter before dark, and I’m careful who I get close to. I do everything I can to protect myself, even though I don’t always like myself.
Despite my troubles, I hope one day things will improve. I hope I will look back on this time and smile, knowing I’m finally safe.
Rae Eggleston is from Virginia and currently lives in Denver, CO. They are a visual artist, emerging writer and hold an MLIS (Master of Library and Information Science)